So im bored. im sitting in desktop...and im bored cuz im done.

I CAN LEAVE!@!!

Sailor, why do you do this to me? Saying the things you say to conflict with my happy thoughts. Sailor do you not think before you speak and then change your mind just to toy with emotions of the heart? Why Sailor, I am surprised at you, you know what its like to be hurt, why would you do it before we ever start? Sailor of the sea, I know your shipping out, but believe me this is not an issue. Sailor, why can't you see, this attachment is artificial, nothing more than colored water. Sailor, maybe now you can see this is not a bad idea. Why Sailor, slave the the see, I think I get it now, your afraid of the attachment, the attachment you might have for me.

The ending which you have not mastered as I, but simple for this time. You are a Sailor slave to the sea, however my darling, the sea that changes so often, so brutal, so angry in her ways. Why that sea is me.

<33

I have not written in a while and I do not feel like going into detail. SO here it is, and if ye understands then hoooora for you.

(oh ps i am at RIT)

The drive was amazing, yet scary. Long travles make me antzy and unsettled in any area. THe music flowed and ran beautifully in my mind. The start, calm but becomes insreasingly horrid. I keep forgetting to breath. Random interjections of human contact cause the brain to function and sleep to rest itself int eh back of the mind. A movie calls for happy times but brings iffy figures. "Tag your it" and speedy escapes fill the air of misty night. A shadow waits on the side. THe play continues, the shadow moves away. Travel into the woods brings fear and blindness. The many creatures move violently past my face in invisable cloths. THe shadow walks on. These storys of horny gods brings understanding and slight warmth to the soul. THe waves of simple pleasure are excellent and make me smile for the time. Daylight, you cant ever relaly tell there is no light to be seen anyway. NO laps of time really can be seen inside this cave, this very lived in cave. The following night moves slowly and throws me towards a hurling fall. A once empty stomach filled by small bits of rice prepares for waves of toxic drinks to fall. The party rolls on and the drinking consumes. My friends talk, I speak, I think, but....I am not truly present. Secret drinks passed back and forth to save his mind. He doesnt want them, so i take it. I am not bothered...just stupid. The night goes on, the more the drink. Travel more is spinning and then left in the cold. Laying on cold makes me truly want the heat. Night rolls on, more drinks, more drinks, more drinks. Then the purple appears and flows around the room. The travlers go forth to the comfy place down below. My mouth runs for no other reason that it can...and sadly it runs me into trouble. Shadow goes upstairs and leaves the comfy happy warmth or the below. A quick conversation leads to an unpleasent night. Anger wants to be filled by drink, but a reminder from the story teller makes clear, that is never good. The anger is now sad and a travel outside becomes the goal. Sleepin on cold ground now feels perfect. The boy checks to make sure no one is harmed. The cold consumes and over comes the stubbroness and tears. Inside to a secluded floor becomes the new position. Alone, tears fall. The boy checks again, and a suggestion to leave is teh right thing. The story teller is kind and takes me to a home. Away from the uglyness that is felt here. A ride away on carpet brings tears again. The stroy teller sings and pretends not to notice, I beleive. The boy stays at the ugly, and the silent one, well, he travels along. The silent one, intoxicated, sits and holds me. I cry, softly....he holds. I fall hard and cry, loud. The white clouds are a quick comfort and sleep comes easy tonight. Early in the next day, here day and night come and are seen. This is a more efficent way to feel timelaps. Movement..then suddnly, the shadow appears. Unnerving and unsteady the wall is opened and he slinks inside. Words fall...over and over like running rivers. Nothing comes to mind, but to look and see the shadows eyes, I cry again. I love him. No matter the supidity on either part, I love him. An akaward union is created and travel beings again. A change in appearance makes all the better for a bright start, while the shadow has vanished again. Reappearing he slinks, we wait, then go. A walk in time to a dusty car. There, a single flower, budding, planted for me, by the shadow. A kind show of affection. Smiles form...and tears come again, not from sorrow, but joy. Things begin to reform. The bubbles heal and flow. Minds ease up...a sickness is still upon me..but its better by the moment. The shadow is kind...stubbron....but kind. This fairy tale is one that will move faster than ever before. I must thank the story tell, the boy, and the silent one...they saved me that night from cold, arguments, and gave me comfort. I would love to add, the shadow, I love; he is a good person, truly.

The drive home will be intresting...but it will be a travel to a home I do not know.

<33

RIT deadline in a few. ugh.

will put all my entered drawings up here. yeah yeah.

<33

8 days and im in heaven.

Its going to be small its on my laptop

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrasing it is.

How many songs: 640

Sort by song title:
First Song: "Highway Blues" Marc Seales
Last Song: Zombie, The Carnberries

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: Track 1, off Benny Wenny's techno mix
Longest Song: Track 4, off Benny Wenny's techno mix, 26.37!

Sort by album:
First Song: Hannukah Song, by Adam Sandler....no album there. lol
Last Song: What Kind Of Name Is..., by Big Kid

Top Five Most Played Songs:
1. Zombie, The Cranberries
2. Be Good To Me, Steriogram
3. Annie Waits, no clue who it is
4. Up Against(Blackout)- TBS
5. MakeDamnSUre- TBS

First song that comes up on Shuffle: Nobody puts baby in teh corner- Fall out boy

Search ....
"sex", how many songs come up? 0
"death", how many songs come up? 16
"love", how many songs come up? 29
"you", how many songs come up? 73
"cock", how many songs come up? 0

from now on, any post will be for friends to view only...or private depending upon its matter.

thank you

so called byron he answered and then we had to hang up afterl iek 3 mins...and i am very sad now.

so from this i speed into this very bad and crazed day dream zone out...i have many of these but this one made me worry and ughish.

I called byron again later the next day and he answers. he says he can talk but i hear his parents yelling at him in the background to get off the phone. I ask him again and tell him i can hear his parents yelling and I dont want him in trouble so I will call later on or tomorrow. He gets all mad and starts fussing...and I get mad because I see no reason for it and I try and explain myself rationally, but he jsut gets mad and refuses to talk. So I say fine, good bye Byron, he says bye, I say I love you and he says meh. MEH. and I just say I cant believe you woudl do that to me..and hang up.

Then i snapped out of it and sent myself into a small uncomfortable long thought of how I would fix it because it would be my fault, but it wouldnt be, and ugh.

So now i am sad and missing my panda bear...

i hate ohio

heres to the ones that lost it all here's to the ones that ment everything heres to the ones that are forever younge heres to thoes that want to live.

So its been a while since I have updated this thingy...I have my reasons. I have suspected some persons looking at my journal when they should not be because I did not what them to read this. So from now on I must watch my tounge and be careful of what I say in fear of being exposed. In other words...once again I have lost my source of openess...*sighs*

So in continuation with this, I have been having an alright time so far. Things are getting better. My mame has some job interviews lined up, which means money, better times, and a new mattress for myself, since mine is many years old and really gross.

I myself have obtained a job. Petsmart baby. I think I got the job because of Chris Catts, which is fine with me because now I have a job and money and shizz. So thats good, at least I can pay for my own things now.

I need to find some plastic rings. One because I am obsessed with them now, they are soooo cool. I think its just because Im like secretly loving acting like a little kid and dressing all goofy and stuff. Its just more fun and I dunno..I like it better. Then i\I also need to find a ring to give to Byron. I will win. We started this stupid ass game, and now I have to beat him by giving him a ring. Its so childish but I absolutly adore it.

Byron comes down on the 16th of July. I am so excited for him to come down here. I am really happy, things seem to be going very good for him. I really like this one. I mean in my mind this makes sense and like it all works out, mkays.

So thats about all. I guess.

<33

Tomorrow I leave for Costa Rica. I will be glad to excape from some and releave myself from others..and then there is that one that I will miss like none other...

<33

ps. He said it first.

Tuesday: Physics, eh, not too sure of that one but I think I did okay.
Wednesday: History, ughish I hate that class so much, and American Literature, I think I did very well on this test suprisingly!!
Thursday: Pre Calc AB, We get a card and shit for equations so I think im good.

Bryon has to fly to come see us...his mama wont let him drive. Ugh. Well I hope that it will be all good and that he can come.

wow. I just realized...Im going to college next year. Wow. Like after next year...I have to apply to colleges. wow...

So..yeah...

tired exams alost over...
i miss him.

<33

First I would like to start with my every so creepy dream. Byron and all his buddies were in this house along with carrie. Theyw ere all drinking and someone asked, hey were is mercedes? Byron's like she hasnt been feeling good so shes going to the doctor today. I get back and ask carrie to come down stairs and meet me. She does and we both walk back up silently. Carrie is excited and Im kinda shocked. I walk in and Byron asks so did you find out what was wrong. And then there is no sound to the dream. My hand is over my stomach and I mouth the words of somthing. Byron's mouth drops and he drops his beer it shatters and I woke up. It was wierd. But..yeah..so it creeped me out liek crazy.
Thats really all. Umm.. I leave this friday for Costa Rica, it should be cool. Yeah yeah. July, Byron comes down. Really hope he does, I miss him lots. AND I WILL WIN!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAH! lol.

<33

Today was the last day of school and it sucked a lot. I was perdy much bored all day long. In math we played games the entire time because it was last day last period so yeah. Right after school I took off to Carrie's house for a chill day. I get there and LEE LEE'S HERE!! SO EXCITED! OMg then after sitting at Carries for forever, and then at crocker park on her car for like a long while. After that we went to dinner then came back. Steve was here and Lee lee scared me wen I walked in again! ARGF to him. neways, so yeah now im watching Lord of War with ppls and thats perdy much it.

Waiting for byron to get on...

<33

Once you have been tagged, you are to write a blog including 6 things you do that are weird, habitual and/or interesting fact about yourself. In the end you need to choose 6 more lucky people to be tagged and list their names. Then leave a comment on their page telling them they have been tagged and to check your blog.

1. I am paranoid that someone is behind me all the time and cannot stand it when I know someone is there but they refuse to move.

2. I hate shoes like MAD! I have to take them off when i get home. I even walk outside barefoot in the winter at times becasue I hate shoes so much.

3. I wear fake glasses at my house when i read or do my homework becasue it makes me feel smarter.

4. I still believe in faries....no joke. They do exists, guarenteed they can be nice or steal your shit.

5. I really dont like ice cream, I eat it and i really do hate the taste. In fact, most sugar for me anymore is perdy gross.

6. umm...lastly. I am so embarassed around older people that I dont feel comfortable with. Wether is be in a large group or one on one, i become extremely shy and dont say a word and I refuse to move a lot or look them in the eye, or I cant look away from their eyes.

I hereby tag: Ory, Sara, Vinnie, Diane, Rubina, and Brian *tho he will never check it*

to you who has apoken with my mother. Apperenly you do not know what type of journal this is, nor are you someone who knows who I am. I thank you I guess for being retarded. Please, carry on with yourself adn leave it alone from now on. And if you feel the need to ever speak to me about this and explain yourself why you did this...then please be my guest. It woudl be much appreciated and accepted...since your speaking with my mama is confusing to me.

I would like to appoligize formally to my mother. Once again as I have said thousands and thousands of times before. I write in here what comes to my head and nothing more. At the moment I was very very angry because I was being yelled at for something I felt I didn't do wrong. I do appoligize though for what I said. I do not hate my mother nor do I think anything of that. I was extremly angry however at what she had said and the night in general.

To who ever did post the comment about it...sorry I am an angry teenager. For who ever told my mother thank you very much now. I have lost my mother now, one of my closest frinds, aka my mother even if I do get mad at her sometimes, and lastly one of the only people who was ever there for me because everyone else I know is a little bitch, such as yourself. So thank you...

I don't believe I will be online very much now...so yeah. I can try and do some stuff later..but not much good will come of this.

*I never wanted to censor my livejournal for any purpose, it is mine and no one elses. Nothing should be commented on in here. Thanks to all...*

SO my saturday ended up not being totally bad becaues of my loverly friends Carrie and ZZ. I was called and summoned to come andplay wiht them becasue yeah Im not really sure why.Anyways. So i get there and Sean is there..ush...but yeah I didnt think it was him becasue hes ugly now...So had fun..yea..

Called Byron.... V.V
HE HE LOVES IT!!!!

neways...remember i hate the phone....and yeah..lol. Love the call made.

hate that fat cat bitch!

lol


<33

everyone ditched me today....my family i mean.

*sad panda*

ugh i hate this shizz, im so bored and all my friend r non exsistant.

Stagnant water on the brain sounds good right about now...cries longing for winter solidation.....ugh. When i long for a winter to make me feel normal, we know theres a problem.

happy moments....
Byron. v.v hehe it looks like a panda to me!

....*sighs*....

i know not what to do with myself today...ughish ughish ughish!

I shall put a new pix of me up here for all of u to see my black hairs and make up s and new hair cut! yeah....

Prom tomorrow...

Get out of school at 1, going to chipolte with ZZ then homes. Mame is doing my nails and then shower and hair doing by ME! lol. THen aroudn maybeh like....6ish or wateva get ready..yeah yeah.

fun....

I made up with Taylor, but ugh to it all. I really wish he still acted like my best friend and my school boyfriend and I to him. Ugh.

I miss Byron. I wanna go back and see him but thats not going to happen for a while and I really do miss him. Yeah, I know I have said this a million times before, however, this time. I do wanna stay with him, and wait for him. All the way until college I wanna wait for him.

I need to do very well on my end of the year tests and exams. I have to do the best that I possibly can. Next year my schedual will be all switched from what I have it as...so yeah. I want to be in all art classes and shizz like that, with like animal behavior and Calc AB.

Ugh...Prom...ugh is all I have to say on that one. This will be one intresting dance filled with lots of ughish feelings and akaward silences.

Things are working their way back up...lets hope they stay there.

<33

God Damn! That is all I have to say. Today was an amazing day. Despite all the facts that occured.

I got a mother's day gift for my mame, spent with my own money. My spending money, and I don't ever get that anymore and I spent it all on her and didn't even care. This is the first time in about 10 years that I have gotten her a gift for this stupid card holiday. My only lasting grandma died, I don't care. She never cared for me and disliked my mother. I don't care.

I drew a good picture today. I was PROUD of it. ME! That is a rarity. Even my stupid piece that got into NATIONALS I am not super proud of. I am like...eh. Im happy I got in, dont get me wrong, but Im not happy with the piece.

I have an aunt who is an art teacher. She wants to give me all of these photography things and it makes me very very happy about that!

I was generally having a good day. I seriously was. This is a first in a long time. After almost crying part of the way home from RIT because of my serious brilliance falling for an amazing guy who is so far away. I will wait for him and he for me. I am determined! I care so much for him.

I get on and ask how my BEST FRIEND is. my BEST FRIEND. He starts to bitch at me. ME! I'm killin him he says. The picture. At first I thought he was talking about the one of him and me, but o no, its the one of Byron and I. He cant stand to look at it. Frank is a memeber of the crew. Well you know what I dont like Frank anymore and I need to tell him. But you know what, I still do love him and care for him, I just dont like him. My BEST FRIEND is yelling at me for this. WTF! when I broke up with him at first he didnt even care. WHen we werent BF and GF anymore he was like thats fine. But as soon as he sees me with someone else, hes mad. Well he can fuck off. He made my best friend cry so much over him. He has ruined our friendship forever and knows it. but all of a sudden he cares now. now he cares. He didnt care that he ignored me. He didnt care that He was making me mad. He didnt care that he forgot me. He didnt care.

He cant be happy for me...what is he for then.....
nothing.

O and my mood is totally angry wanting to kill someone wanting to cry and then goign and falling down in his arms to make me better. yeah thats about right.